for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
