Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
