Don't make out with my wife yet
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
