im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
