Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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