On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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