I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
