wanna go halves on a baby?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
