Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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