I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
