I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
