I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
