dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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