I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
