jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
