well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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