I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
