dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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