Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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