this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
