My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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