When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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