Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
