Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
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