I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
