thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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