Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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