1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
