You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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