So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
she peed on how many people?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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