i just had sex bonerless
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
