Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
please don't ironically join a cult
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