I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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