EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
