there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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