I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
