Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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