I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
