Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
