I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
