I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
