i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
