Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
