I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
