i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
