I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
