toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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