I'm laying in your front yard are you home
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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