Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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