I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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