Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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