Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
